if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
