you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
