i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So vagazzling was a success
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
