There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
