you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
