It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
