I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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