the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
