On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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