I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
