I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
