I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
