But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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