I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
