Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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