Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
