Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
