Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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