could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
false alarm. still invincible.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
