There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
