i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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