RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
