Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
