This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
