these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
