Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
