If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize