Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We need to rekindle our bromance
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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