she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
