It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
