I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My vagina just clenched in fear
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
