I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
