I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sext me about skeletons
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
