May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
