Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
