Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
