The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
