I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I want to make a zoo with you.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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