So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
