every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
