ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
