I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
