I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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