Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just gift wrapped bread.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
