I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
