I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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