I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
