I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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