Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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