Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
