Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
