Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
