life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I deserve this hangover.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
