we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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