i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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