i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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