im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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