you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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