Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
