You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
