She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
